What No One Tells You About Asian Parent Expectations (4 minute read)

The tradition of Chinese parents having a say in their kid’s love life can wreak havoc on a cross-cultural relationship even before it really gets off the ground. Photo: IC. Bruno Dubois, a year-old Frenchman, was not surprised when news broke on October 9 that Chinese pop singer Zhang Liangying’s mother strongly opposed her marriage. Her parents did not want a foreigner for their son-in-law. He met his Chinese ex-girlfriend, Sophie Li, in when he was reading for his bachelor’s degree at a university in Beijing. From the beginning, Li had always hesitated about whether to tell her parents about him because she was afraid her parents would not be okay with the relationship. It took her about two months to muster up enough courage to tell her parents about her foreign boyfriend, and it did not go well.

The First Time I Said No to My Parents

Part of it was fear of the repercussions, but most of it was guilt. As unfair and misguided I felt and still feel their rules were, I was painfully aware of the generational and cultural gap between us. Even at a young age, it felt unfair to fight them because of their fears, especially when their fears stemmed from love and a need to protect me.

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Tiger parenting is a form of strict or demanding parenting. Tiger parents push and pressure their children to attaining high levels of academic achievement or success in high-status extracurricular activities such as music , using authoritarian parenting methods. The tiger parent has since been a caricatured figure in modern Chinese society, as well as in Overseas Chinese communities around the world. Chua’s rise to fame quickly popularized the concept and term “tiger parent” spawning numerous caricatures while also becoming the inspiration for the Singaporean TV show Tiger Mum , the mainland Chinese drama Tiger Mom , and the Hong Kong series Tiger Mom Blues.

The stereotyped figure often portrays a Chinese mother who relentlessly drives her child to study hard, to the detriment of the child’s social and physical development, and emotional well-being. The origin of the concept, term, and neologism traces its roots in ancient Confucian teachings articulated through classical anthologies such as the Analects of Confucius written more than two millennia ago.

Many contemporary Chinese families strive to inculcate the value and importance of an education in their child at a young age.

We Meet People Hiding Their Online Dating Life From Their Parents

Yet, against asian also feel natural, since many Help parents would rather their child date someone of their own ethnicity. It might feel that way sometimes, but I think for the most part, the parents of the matter has white to do with racism and everything to do dating the importance of family and the desire of our immigrant parents to communicate with their in-laws. I often feel that our parents have to do a delicate dance around each other, with mine trying to perform their duties and avoid any American faux pas on top of Chinese ones.

My dad said, “You haven’t been dating John for very long at all — how can you understand him? Other than what he’s told you, you have no.

For that long and agonising three-and-a-half years, my parents had no clue that I was even dating. Whenever my boyfriend and I hung out, we would avoid going to places where my parents could be at. I would lie to my mom almost everyday. Another lie. Not only was it exhausting to lie, I hated myself for doing so. I felt guilty for keeping such a big secret from the people I should be the closest to.

Many times, I considered telling them the truth. My friends kept encouraging me to come clean with them too. We were cautious, careful, as we should be as an under-the-radar couple.

Relationship Struggles When Your Asian Parents Were Emotionally Absent

I have struggled in romantic relationships to feel secure and be emotionally available to my partners. I also operate with a critical inner voice constantly putting me down and extinguishing affection. It sometimes made me take clingy, jealous, and controlling actions towards my past partners. My off-putting actions only served to push the other person away.

This coupled with the fact that we had absolutely no precedent for dealing with boys, dating, or relationships generally meant that, in these matters, we deferred​.

This year, though, I finally put my foot down! If you constantly wrestle with your strict Asian parents, even in your 20s, try out these skills I learned from dealing with my own parents. Therapy has helped me with my parents. Speaking from experience, talking to someone outside of your family feels so refreshing! To be honest with you, my old-fashioned parents did not love the fact that I started seeing a therapist.

At the end of the day, though, you need to do what helps you, and therapy can help you a lot! If you cannot seek professional help, find someone you can confide in. Talking your issues out will help you maintain your sanity. Personally, I find that journaling helps me because I can continue writing for as long as I need until I feel calm. In fact, I once read that journaling when you are upset or angry can help you recenter yourself.

Telling Your Typical Asian Parents That You’re Dating

For the less fortunate on this iconic day, a sad playlist of sappy love songs and a binge eating session is in order. As incredulous and hilarious as it is, this story reveals a darker aspect of Asian-American culture: an unrealistic pressure to marry, especially at a young age. When I was growing up, my parents always told me to prioritize education over interpersonal relationships — and looking at my Asian-American peers, I was no exception.

While we all had relatively lively social lives, there was always an invisible hand pushing us forward rather than allowing us to simply enjoy life with our friends. A study published in found that Asian-Americans worry more about school and family expectations than their white counterparts. Another study published in found that Asian-Americans are less likely to seek resources for mental health problems , and will sometimes ignore symptoms of depression to avoid talking about it with their families.

She basically did all the “non-Asian”/cool experiences first like dating, piercings, dyeing hair etc. She was cool, always had friends and broke.

As rojak as Singapore may be, our traditional Asian values still reign supreme. Even though Asian parents are less open to discussing things akin to dating, love, or sex, we still know where babies come from— the stork delivers them after pollination because the birds and the bees love each other very much. If not no man will want us. Parents are always encouraging sons to get girlfriends. But for daughters, bringing a boy home was like committing hara-kiri.

Throughout teenagehood, we were told that boys were a distraction from studies. But they go real quick. Kind of like how cats bring dead mice to their kittens as prey.

Asian parents against interracial dating, need help?

Metea Media May 6, The reason our households are so different is because we were raised on a set of more restrictive rules. It was the generation where gender roles were more prominent than ever. It was the generation that worked their butts off to get where they are today.

There are many myths and stereotypes when it comes to dating asian guys. 40​% of Asian females will marry a non-Asian male, whereas 20% of Asian males will It’s rare to hear traditional Asian parents say “I love you” to their children.

I normally am not very interested in reading Chinese online. Recently, though, I found something that caught my eye. The writer is a Chinese girl with a foreign boyfriend who is also very coincidentally named John. When she told her parents about her boyfriend, they were less than supportive. Below is a translated excerpt from the original. Absolutely not! Your dad and I do not approve! Your life backgrounds are just too different. In the future how are we supposed to communicate with him?

It was as if John was her sworn enemy, who wanted to steal me from their side, never to return again. My mom hoped he could persuade me.

How to Never, Ever Introduce Your Boyfriend to Your Traditional Asian Parents

This is the exact case with your Mum and Dad, who pass on their culture, values and outlook on life to their children. Coming from post-war contexts, Asian parents are an embodiment of pure determination to succeed against all odds. Unfortunately this manifests itself as heavy pressure on their children to perform and avoid unnecessary distractions like discovery.

Asian children born into Western societies face the struggle of meeting the standards of their Asian heritage, whilst assimilating to the norms of the Western world. Known as the bamboo dissonance theory Et Al.

Confusing Asian Dating Advice Even though Asian parents are less open to discussing things akin to dating, If not no man will want us.

The U. And the commentaries flooded in. Am I a father? Did I grow up with Tiger Parents? Again, no. Which is why I have a decidedly different take on the whole crazy-Asian parent thing. If you think it sucks being the child of a hardcore Tiger Mother, try being the subpar boyfriend of the adult child of a hardcore TM. Allow me to sum up my experience: all of the humiliation, guilt, shame and torment with none of the financial support and fleeting moments of affection.

They want to control everything —especially whom their child dates. Many Asian parents also discriminate by profession. Doctors, lawyers, successful businessmen are acceptable.

How to Impress Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend’s Asian Parents